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Mr. Right tries to sanitize his bullying by telling me, “I have strong opinions” or “I like debating ideas.” This is like a bank robber saying, “I’m interested in financial issues.” Mr. Right isn’t interested in debating ideas; he wants to impose his own.
The central attitudes driving Mr. Right ar…

ABUSIVE MEN COME in every personality type, arise from good childhoods and bad ones, are macho men or gentle, “liberated” men. No psychological test can distinguish an abusive man from a respectful one. Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries or of deficits in his skills. In real…

One of my areas of specialization is court-related work involving abusers who are physically violent or who abuse their children. I frequently encounter court personnel who say: “Well, she accuses him of abusing her, but he denies it.” They then drop the matter, as if the man’s denial closes the ca…

Abusers externalize responsibility for their actions, believing that their partners make them behave in abusive ways. Each of my clients predictably uses some variation of the following lines:

“She knows how to push my buttons.”

“She wanted me to go off, and she knows how to make it happen.”
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Although these men usually keep their abusive side well hidden outside of the home, there is one situation in which it slips out: when someone confronts them about their abusiveness and sticks up for the abused woman, which happens to be my job. Suddenly, the attitudes and tactics they normally res…