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While an abused woman may sometimes approach a counselor and describe her struggle straightforwardly, an abuser speaks in terms that are less direct. He seeks help not because he senses that he is abusive but because he is tired of the tension in his home or is afraid that his relationship is going…

When someone you care about is accused of abuse, don’t tell yourself that it can’t possibly be true. Unfortunately, when an abuser complains to his relatives in an outraged voice, “My partner accuses me of being abusive,” they generally jump blindly to his side. They shake their head in disgust and…

Family and friends of an abused woman sometimes ask me how they can get her to realize that her partner is an abuser. They complain: “She always makes excuses for him. She has these ideas about how to make him get better, like by helping him find a less stressful job, that obviously aren’t going to…

One more word of caution: I observe that many people are eager to find something wrong with an abused woman, because if they can’t, they are confronted with the uncomfortable reality that any woman can be abused. The urge to find fault in her interferes with your ability to help her—and ultimately …

If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind: Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is.

THE ABUSER: Pressures her severely
SO YOU SHOULD: Be patient. Remember that it takes…