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By the time we got back to New York, John had fixated on the idea that moving back to California was the only thing that would ever make him feel better. He said that my choosing to remain in New York and finish teaching my poetry course equaled choosing to keep him depressed. _It’s your fault I’m …

John said that he had nothing to give me because he knew his life was harder than mine. I poured tears for a whole hour. He told me I was acting like a spoiled child, that the postpartum period was so much easier than his life, working at the bank instead of being an artist. He refused to take anti…

Right after I awoke, my shoulders seized up, and John agreed to massage them. I pressed down on a painful knot. Here.

John rubbed all around the knot. He said, Everything is connected. These muscles are all part of a system. He rubbed my shoulder blade, getting farther and farther away from the …

I thought, If I had the energy I’d leave him, and then I folded up that little thought, wrapped it in gauze, and swallowed it.

And yet no married woman I knew was any better off, so I determined to carry on. After all, a person can be grandiose without being a clinical narcissist. And I was a control freak, a neat freak, a crazy person. A long time ago, in my twenties, I’d even spent ten days on a psych ward after a hospit…