by
Elia Kazan
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More than any writer I’ve known, Clifford needed to be needed to write. He was like a high-powered automobile with an uncertain self-starter; our need turned him on. Luther and I began to hound him to write us a play, and we jibed at Harold, who, despite his sorry state at Wanger’s, seemed comfortable since he was close to Stella and eating in expensive restaurants where headwaiters greeted him by name. I remember observing with puritanical disapproval that Harold had grown plump and taken to flashy neckties. In prosperity, I concluded, this is not the same man. I recall another conclusion I reached, that idealism is possible only in conditions of penury; it is a unique man, I made up my mind, who can sustain the fever of his dreams when he has money to eat regularly. Perhaps this was a hangover from my old Communist-days motto: “Only trust the working class.” The main objective I had during those weeks was to return Harold to hard times so he could again be his true self.
Constance was nineteen and had every charm given to youth. She was a dancer, with those legs, had been in the chorus of a couple of musicals. She wanted to be a dramatic actress and was working as an usher at the Belasco, to watch our performances. Years later, when it was over between us, she became a film actress, rather a favorite in Europe, sort of a star.
There was a devil’s battle going on in me. The moral code by which I’d been brought up made me feel guilty. But I found that what had been happening was thrilling, adventurous, and—the only word for it—educational. I’d never before yielded myself so entirely to my emotions. My life was no longer under control.
Several of the company members were married. Had they noticed? If so, did they disapprove of me? They knew Molly, of course, and I wondered what they’d say to her. But I didn’t care. I was where I wanted to be, out in the open with the girl, as if I had no responsibility to anyone else. Besides, here was England in the prime of the year! So celebrate! When it was all over, I realized that because of knowing this girl, I’d learned more about English street and village life, the ways of the common man, of the “proletariat” we used to talk about in the Party, than I could have learned in any other way from any other source. Diggie, whom I never saw, wrote to, or spoke with again, is my keenest memory of that English engagement. Isn’t it astonishing—I think so—that what I remember most keenly about my visit to London in 1938 is someone Molly would have called a tramp.
Was I trying again to break up my life?
They are the windows of the room where some twenty-five years ago I used to meet a girl I shan’t name. The past is across the street from the present; the distance between, slight. Directly under those three windows a sort of daybed was placed, and there—with the shutters closed—we used to come together. This young woman was unremarkable in every way except one. When she was making love, her face became an extraordinary high pink. That is what I remember about her most; she looked like one of Renoir’s models. That pink was the evidence of a most loving and generous nature. If you had met her on the street, you’d certainly have thought she was a proper, even a prim girl. And she was—except in the exercises of love. Then she became another creature.
Do I regret all that happened across my street twenty-five years ago? How could I, when I remember with such tender feelings that young woman and how intent and pink her face became?
Do I regret any of that which happened? Do I regret what has made this city so rich for me? How could I? Yes, I did hurt some people, several who were dear to me, particularly my first wife when I was least controlled and most driven. But have you tried getting through life without hurting anyone? What did you answer to that question? It can’t be done. Besides, how can you regret the memory of a human touch, a loving voice, a tender glance, a grateful body’s embrace, a time of devotion, the help you received and the help you gave?
That’s another kind of wealth, the wealth I prize most, the wealth of my experiences. I wouldn’t have missed any of it. Or the memories. What did the poet say? I loved them all in my own fashion—and I have no regrets. I wanted my album full.
Well, it is. How was I able to do it, and still live a “respectable” life?
The answer is—and here’s the bad part—duplicity. That’s the solution I arrived at in the suite below Al Capone’s in that South Michigan Avenue hotel almost fifty years ago. What I decided in that season in Chicago was to cut myself loose from the plague of guilt, from society’s approved restrictions and morality. Secretly, quietly, I scorned them and went my way, pulling out of life the pleasure and adventures I craved.
Has any society at any time solved the problem of the relation between the sexes honestly? Europeans tend to face the facts. French men and women take lovers and live happily with their legal mates. Mexicans have their casa chicas. No two people have the same desires or the same needs, and no single individual has the same ones at all periods of his or her life. Certainly novelty is part of it, why not admit that? An extensive sex life expands your knowledge. The album adds pages and each memory is a treasure. And a stimulus. Promiscuity for an artist is an education, a great source of confidence, and a spur to work. Ironically, it can also promote true marital fidelity. It’s healthier than licentious dreams and unrealized yearnings. And guilt. These lead to secret resentment and hatred; they sour a life.
I didn’t come to any conscious decisions that night in the suite just below Al Capone’s—or on any other night of the four weeks I enjoyed the favors of the “boys” in Chicago’s South Side. I didn’t see Constance for many weeks, but when I returned to New York City I did call her. So, in effect, I had made a decision, though it was not a conscious decision. What I accepted was that my life was going to be in constant turmoil from then on. I was ready to allow whatever came to happen, rather than choking it down. I would not resist my desires and impulses, no matter what resulted. I would not confine myself further for practical, professional, emotional, or moral reasons.
I admitted what most people have to admit at some point in their lives—that life is insoluble, that there are problems one is never able to solve, that every question doesn’t have an answer.
What I decided, without knowing it, was that I would live in conflict and confusion. I knew what that would mean; I’d have to sneak, cheat, lie, fake, dissemble—all shameful, all humiliating, all necessary if you want to have what I’ve called “both.” I’d decided to take that step. But if I’d told this to myself in so many words that night in Chicago, I wouldn’t have admitted it was true. I would have denied it. I’d have said, “Nothing happened. Life just goes on.”
I had a reason I was moved so forcibly, one I didn’t reveal to Molly. Such a possession would be a token of enduring faith, a symbol of continuance to bind us together in the bad times I feared were coming. The money it would cost would be a penance for my sins. I was again behaving like a damned fool, as if I wished what was going on between Constance and me to be found out. Did I? Want that? The possibility frightened me. But the way I was behaving made it inevitable that I’d be discovered. More and more people were seeing us close together, sitting side against side in a movie theatre or slumped in the dark corner of a bar. I’d taken the final foolish step, rented a small room on a monthly basis in a Forty-eighth Street hotel, the Alpine, and we’d moved in some things. I now had two bedrooms. Sooner or later someone with a loose mouth was bound to come on us together in the lobby or leaving by the front door. Was I ready to face the consequences? Not when I thought about it.
I WAS in Carly Wharton’s office, going over our casting problems, when a secretary came in and said, “Turn on the radio.” It was December 7, 1941, and that was how I heard about the attack on Pearl Harbor. A couple of weeks later, after I’d waited for some kind of call to arms, I went to my draft board and asked where I stood. I was eager to go, not because I was burning with patriotism but because entering the service would free me from the terrible tangle of my personal life. I believe many men who quickly entered the ranks had similar reasons. My draft board informed me that I was 3-A, by reason of my age, my marriage, and my two kids. I would have to deal with my personal problems personally.
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