And yet: Kant also wonders if his own reticence is a smokescreen to avoid admitting that he’s never been very physically attracted to Julian either. It’s not that Julian doesn’t take care of himself, with his thrice-weekly gym visits and flexitarianism; he is undeniably good-looking. But not perfect. He has a recessed chin and patchy leg hair, butt acne, a dick that could be two inches longer (though still bigger than Kant’s), and occasional hand eczema requiring creams and latex finger cots. None of this comports with the fantasy in Kant’s head. It would be unconscionable to ever suggest that Julian is inadequate; it’s clearly Kant who’s lacking, for looking the way he does, and wanting the vile, absurd, disgusting, and physically impossible things he wants. Yet the sense of his own guilt and hypocrisy do nothing to counteract the wanting.