One more word of caution: I observe that many people are eager to find something wrong with an abused woman, because if they can’t, they are confronted with the uncomfortable reality that any woman can be abused. The urge to find fault in her interferes with your ability to help her—and ultimately colludes with the abusive man.

Family and friends of an abused woman sometimes ask me how they can get her to realize that her partner is an abuser. They complain: “She always makes excuses for him. She has these ideas about how to make him get better, like by helping him find a less stressful job, that obviously aren’t going to work. And she blames herself, saying that she’s the one who sets him off a lot of times. She’s in a lot of denial.”

She may actually be more aware of the abuse than she is willing to say. Her shame, and her fear that other people will pressure or criticize her, may make her pretend she doesn’t see. If she has been with her partner for a long time, or if he is especially scary or crazy-making, she may be experiencing traumatic bonding (see Chapter 9). Or she may believe that her partner is right—that her behavior really is the root of their difficulties, not his. In any event, you will not be able to “make her” see her partner’s abusiveness any more than she can “make him” see it. I wish I could say otherwise, because I know how difficult it is for an abused woman’s loved ones to accept the limits on what they can do.

When someone you care about is accused of abuse, don’t tell yourself that it can’t possibly be true. Unfortunately, when an abuser complains to his relatives in an outraged voice, “My partner accuses me of being abusive,” they generally jump blindly to his side. They shake their head in disgust and outrage, and respond: “How could she say that about you? What a bitch!” Nobody asks any questions.

Instead of falling prey to this knee-jerk reaction, begin by finding out all you can. What exactly does he do that she finds abusive? How does she say she is affected by him? What does she want him to do differently? He will respond to these questions by making her sound ridiculous. He may say, for example, “She says that if I’m ever grouchy or in a bad mood, that’s abuse. Every time she doesn’t get her way, she labels me an abuser.” Keep pressing him about what her perspective is. Ask him to give examples of specific interactions. Refuse to jump on his bandwagon. Show him that you are reserving judgment.

While an abused woman may sometimes approach a counselor and describe her struggle straightforwardly, an abuser speaks in terms that are less direct. He seeks help not because he senses that he is abusive but because he is tired of the tension in his home or is afraid that his relationship is going to split up. He will not typically volunteer the fact that he swears, tears his partner down, or frightens her. If he is physically violent, he will almost certainly make no spontaneous mention of that fact. However, he may give various hints. Some common ones include:

“I have a bad temper, and I lose my cool sometimes.”

“My girlfriend claims that I don’t treat her right.”

“My partner is always making eyes at other men.”

“My wife attacked me, so I had to defend myself, and she got hurt.”

Various guidelines for law enforcement personnel are included in Chapter 12. I will review just three critical points here: (1) Abusers need to suffer consequences for their actions now, not just receive warnings of future sanctions, which have little impact on abusers. (2) He can’t overcome his abuse problem by dealing with anything other than the abuse. Working on stress or anger management, alcoholism, or relationship dynamics will have little or no impact on a man’s abusiveness. (3) Criticism from people in positions of authority can sometimes have the greatest impact of any fallout that abusers experience. On the other hand, language from professionals that excuses or minimizes abuse, or that attributes responsibility partly to the victim—as in the case of a probation officer who says to a man: “You and your wife really need to work out your issues and stop abusing each other”—makes an important contribution to enabling the abuser.

If the abuser is the children’s father or father figure, take particular caution not to speak badly of him as a person but only to name and criticize his actions. Children do not want to hear that their dad is mean, selfish, or bad. In cases where the abuser is dangerous, it is helpful to discuss the risks with the children, both to help them protect themselves and to validate their reality. However, even a violent, dangerous abuser is a human being, and children tend to be acutely tuned in to the humanity of anyone they know well. Don’t talk about him as if he were a monster. You can say, for example, “Your dad has a problem that makes him unsafe sometimes, doesn’t he?” These are terms that make sense to children.

Anger and conflict are not the problem; they are normal aspects of life. Abuse doesn’t come from people’s inability to resolve conflicts but from one person’s decision to claim a higher status than another. So while it is valuable, for example, to teach nonviolent conflict-resolution skills to elementary school students—a popular initiative nowadays—such efforts contribute little by themselves to ending abuse. Teaching equality, teaching a deep respect for all human beings—these are more complicated undertakings, but they are the ones that count.