Greatest of all was discovering Moliere. I had plodded through some of his plays in history of literature seminars, but had understood nothing and considered him musty and unexciting.

So now the village genius from Sweden was sitting at the Comedie Franchise watching The Misanthrope in a youthful, beautiful and emotional performance. The experience was indescribable. The dry alexandrines blossomed and thrived. The people on the stage stepped through my senses into my heart. That was what it was like. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that’s what it was like. Moliere stepped into my heart to remain there for the rest of my life. The spiritual circulation of my blood, previously linked to Strindberg, now opened an artery to Moliere.

I didn’t know what was happening. Gun was four months’ pregnant. I behaved like a jealous child. She was alone, deserted. There are moving pictures with sound and light which never leave the projector of the soul but run in loops throughout life with unchanging sharpness, unchanging objective clarity. Only one’s own insight inexorably and relentlessly moves inwards towards the truth.

In my desperation, I decide to make a short speech to the assembled personnel. I want to say that I have worked in films for forty years that I have made forty-five films and I am seeking new ways and want to renew my imagery. One must constantly question one’s results. I want to state that I have the capacity, am a man of great experience, that the present problem is a mere bagatelle. If I wanted to, I could move backwards and take a long shot from diagonally above. That would be an excellent solution. I don’t believe in God, I know, but it isn’t that simple. We all carry a god within us. Everything is a pattern of which we occasionally catch a glimpse, especially at the moment of death. That is what I want to say, but it’s not worth it. The people have retreated, assembled deep inside the murky studio, and are standing close together, arguing. I can’t hear what they’re saying and can see nothing but their backs.

I am being transported in a large aeroplane and am the only passenger. The plane takes off from the runway but can’t gain height, so is roaring along wide streets, keeping at the height of the top floors of the buildings. I can see through the windows, people moving, gesticulating, the day heavy and thundery. I trust the pilot’s skill, but realize the end is approaching.

Now I’m floating with no aeroplane, moving my arms in a special way and rising easily from the ground. I am surprised that I have never tried to fly before, when it is so simple. At the same time, I realize this is a special gift, and not everyone can fly. Some who can fly a bit have to strain to thepoint of exhaustion, their arms bent and the sinews in their necks tense. I float unhindered like a bird.

I find myself above a plain, a steppe presumably. It’s bound to be Russia. I float over a huge river and a high bridge. Below the bridge, a brick building protrudes out into the river and clouds of smoke are billowing out of the chimneys. I can hear the roar of machinery. It’s a factory.

The river now curves around in a great bend, the banks wooded, the panorama infinite. The sun has gone behind the clouds, but the shadow less light is strong. The water flows along green and transparent in a wide furrow. Sometimes I see shadows moving over stones in the depths and there are huge shimmering fish. I am calm and full of confidence.

I arrived every morning at the theatre on the dot of nine, had breakfast consisting of six biscuits and a cup of tea in the canteen, rehearsed from half-past ten until one, had ham and eggs and drank a cup of strong coffee, went on until four, meetings, teaching in the theatre school, writing scripts, taking a nap in my anatomical folding chair, ate dinner in the canteen, always a piece of red meat and a potato, preparing for the next day, doing my homework and checking on the performance.

I persuaded the veteran director and actor, Victor Sjostrom, to take on the main role in Wild Strawberries. We had worked together before in To Joy without feeling any irresistible need to do so again. Victor was tired and ill, and his work had to be fenced round with various considerations. Among other things, I had to promise he would be back home with his habitual whisky punctually every day at half-past four.

Our collaboration began appallingly. Victor was nervous and I was tense. He overacted and I drew his attention to the fact that he was playing to the gallery. He at once shrouded himself in surly withdrawal, then said there was sure to be someone else who could play the part according to my wishes, and that his doctor would give him a sick note any day.

When the girls put in an appearance, the situation brightened. The old charmer delighted in the affectionate bantering attentions of the ladies, flirted with them and bought them flowers and small presents. Unnoticed and privately, I had filmed Bibi Andersson in a slightly decollete turn-of-thecentury dress sitting on a meadow bank feeding Victor with wild strawberries. He snapped at her ringers and both of them laughed, the young woman clearly flattered, the old lion obviously delighted.

It struck me much later that the fuss Victor created around my promise of whisky at half-past four and his senile anger were nothing but an ungovernable fear of finding himself inadequate, of being too tired or indisposed or simply not good enough. I don’t want to. They’ve no right to demand it. I never wanted the part. I was deceived, persuaded. Not again, not the terror, the inadequacy, not all that again. I’ve refused once and for all, I don’t want to any more. I don’t have to, no one can make me. I’m old and tired. It’s all meaningless. Why this torment? To hell with you all, I want to be alone. I’ve done my bit. It’s ruthless to bully a sick man. I won’t be able to cope, not again, to hell with your damned filming. And yet. I’ll go and try. They’ve no one to blame but themselves. It won’t be good, it can’t be good. I’ll go on and put in an appearance to show them I can’t any longer, haven’t the energy. I’ll show that damned snotty little pup that you can’t treat sick old people any old how. He will have definite confirmation of my inability which, in his opinion, I demonstrated on the very first day.

Perhaps that was what he was thinking, the histrionic old fellow. I did not understand the content of his rage until now, when I find myself in almost exactly the same predicament. All lighthearted games are irretrievably at an end and boredom stares me in the face. Fear of inability attacks and sabotages ability. In the past, I flew unhindered and lifted others. Now I need others’ credence and appetite, others will have to lift me for me to wish to fly.

He was by no means in a better mood, but he did his duty. As he walked through the sunlit grass with Bibi in a long shot, he was grumbling and rejecting all friendly approaches. The close-up was rigged up and he went to one side and sat with his head sunk between his shoulders, dismissing scornfully the offer of a whisky on the spot. When everything was ready, he came staggering over, supported by a production assistant, exhausted by his bad temper. The camera ran and the clapper clacked. Suddenly his face opened, the features softening, and he became quiet and gentle, a moment of grace. And the camera was there. And it was running. And the laboratory didn’t muck it up

I had wearied of my bohemian existence and married Ka’bi Laretei, an up and coming pianist. We moved into a handsome villa in Djursholm, where I intended to live a well-organized bourgeois life. It was all a new and heroic production which rapidly turned into a new and heroic disaster, two people chasing after identity and security and writing each other’s parts, which they accepted in their great need to please each other. The masks quickly cracked and fell to the ground in the first storm and neither had the patience to look at the other’s face. Both shouted with averted eyes: look at me, look at me, but neither saw. Their efforts were fruitless. Two lonelinesses were a fact, failure, an inadmissible reality. The pianist went on tour, the producer produced and the child was entrusted to competent hands. Outwardly, the picture was of a stable marriage between successful contracting parties. The decor was tasteful and the lighting well arranged.

Meanwhile, the administration was understaffed and overworked. The theatre director’s secretary was also the press officer. The costume studios were disintegrating and the permanent stage designers were ill or alcoholics. Communication was an unknown concept.