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Second, Van believed that it was unreasonable to expect a man to be nonabusive unless his partner never hurt his feelings or failed to cater to him. He felt that we were being unfair and unrealistic about a man’s inherent nature, as if we were asking a tiger to be vegetarian. Without saying so dire…

ABUSERS’ RESPONSES TO A POSSIBLE BREAKUP

Promising to change
Entering therapy or an abuser program
Not drinking, attending AA
Making apologies
Telling you that you will be lost without him
Telling you that no one else will want to be with you
Threatening suicide
Saying that you are abando…

Van’s group was alarmed by his reversion, and members raced to try to get him back on track, pointing out to him that (1) he was claiming to have made great changes, but his entitled insistence that Gail owed him loyalty was evidence of an abuser who wasn’t changing; (2) he was slipping back into m…

However, over a period of three or four months, Van began to realize that Gail was not taking a break from their relationship in order to rebuild her trust in him, as he had believed. She was getting herself unhooked. As it dawned on him that she was thinking seriously about closing the door perman…

An abusive man typically believes that his use or abuse of substances is none of his partner’s business. No matter how his addiction may lead him to abuse his partner economically (because he pours money into the substance and/or has trouble holding down a job) no matter how burdened she is with ho…