THE HOUSE COMMITTEE on Un-American Activities was not publicity shy. They rushed my statement to The New York Times the day after I’d given it and, suddenly, there it was on the front page of the world’s greatest newspaper. I started to read it but couldn’t. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. The statement didn’t represent my true feelings, which were not that clear but confused and contradictory. Here is a piece of diary, written the next day: “Stayed home all day. Miserably depressed. Can’t get my mind off it. I know I’ve done something wrong. Still convinced I would have done something worse if I’d done the opposite. I spend every minute making rationalizations for my act. Only one thing in my life before filled me with such shame and guilt: leaving Constance the way I did. This now seems sneaky too because no one had reason from my past conduct to anticipate I would do what I did. I couldn’t go to the Actors Studio or anywhere else. Molly keeps looking at me. Why?”