I generalized from this disaster that the most precious things in life were forbidden by authority (my father) and that everything I wanted most I would have to obtain secretly. I learned to conceal my longings and to work to fulfill them surreptitiously. I stopped feeling guilty about the beautiful brown eyes conspiracy. It was necessary. From that philosophical conclusion it was only a short step to this one: What I wanted most I’d have to take—quietly and quickly—from others. Not a logical step, but I made it at a leap. I learned to mask my desires, hide my truest feelings; I trained myself to live in deprivation, in silence, never complaining, never begging, in isolation, without expecting kindness or favors or even good luck. To do without good luck! What a fate! To never expect an improvement! To consider rejection inevitable!

But I learned to keep coming back, to persist. I hardened.

And since what I wanted most I didn’t get, not nearly, I learned to live as an artist lives, empathically, observing, imagining, dreaming, all behind the mask.