I think I’m searching everywhere for a model, someone to show me how to write a book about my widowed sister and her rage and grief. I don’t know where to stand, to write the story. Is it even ‘a story’? Where to grab hold of it. Whether to build this not-knowing into the story, or to blast a way through the uncertainty and pretend (to myself, or to whoever I fantasise as reader) that I know what I’m doing and how to do it.