I thought back to the best sex I’d had in recent memory: the topaz pellet, my sweaty face on Rob’s couch, limbs tied up, lava lake of desire completely exposed. I was so disarmed, so trusting. That wasn’t the kind of sex you had with a one-night stand. Despite our best efforts, Rob and I had failed to keep it “casual,” and that was with our respective partners acting as emotional buffers. The high stakes of seeing Rob had also heightened the hotness. It wasn’t just sex but forbidden sex—a classic trope, of course, a source of eroticism that depended on dishonesty and the risk of negative consequences. That kind of thrill felt both inaccessible and antithetical to a slut with integrity. I wanted my hookups to be both fulfilling and morally sound.

Almost right away, I was confronted with a dilemma that has long complicated the success rate of casual sex, even between two upstanding humans. How could I have satisfying sex while feeling safe but not bored, cared for but not smothered in sentimentality? How could I stay true to my feelings but not be “too much”?