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THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES.

Therapists often try to work with an abuser by analyzing his responses to disagreements a…

The good news is that remorse is often genuine; the bad news is that it rarely helps. To make sense out of this contradiction, we need to look first at a crucial aspect of what is going on inside an abuser: Abusers have numerous contradictory attitudes and beliefs operating simultaneously in their …

I am often asked whether physical aggression by women toward men, such as a slap in the face, is abuse. The answer is: “It depends.” Men typically experience women’s shoves or slaps as annoying and infuriating rather than intimidating, so the long-term emotional effects are less damaging. It is rar…

CLAIRE: I still feel like you don’t understand why I was upset by what you did. You haven’t even apologized.
DANNY (Angry and loud): All right, all right! I’m sorry, I’M SORRY!!
CLAIRE (Shaking her head): You don’t get it.
DANNY: What the fuck do you want from me?? I apologized already! What, yo…

“You’re too sensitive; every little thing bothers you. It shouldn’t be any big deal.”

“Not everyone is all nicey-nice when they’re angry like you want them to be.”

“Don’t start talking to me like I’m abusive just because your ex-boyfriend (or your parents) abused you. You think everyone is ab…