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Finally, be aware that as an abuser begins his slide into abuse, he believes that you are the one who is changing. His perceptions work this way because he feels so justified in his actions that he can’t imagine the problem might be with him. All he notices is that you don’t seem to be living up to his image of the perfect, all-giving, deferential woman.
“You’re too sensitive; every little thing bothers you. It shouldn’t be any big deal.”
“Not everyone is all nicey-nice when they’re angry like you want them to be.”
“Don’t start talking to me like I’m abusive just because your ex-boyfriend (or your parents) abused you. You think everyone is abusing you.”
“You’re just angry because you aren’t getting your way, so you’re saying I’m mistreating you.”
Through comments like these, the abuser can try to persuade you that: (1) you have unreasonable expectations for his behavior, and you should be willing to live with the things he does; (2) you are actually reacting to something else in your life, not to what he did; and (3) you are using your grievances as a power move against him. All of these tactics are forms of discrediting your complaints of mistreatment, which is abusive. His discrediting maneuvers reveal a core attitude, which he never explicitly states and may not even be aware of consciously himself: “You have no right to object to how I treat you.” And you can’t be in a fair and healthy relationship if you can’t raise grievances.
CLAIRE: I still feel like you don’t understand why I was upset by what you did. You haven’t even apologized.
DANNY (Angry and loud): All right, all right! I’m sorry, I’M SORRY!!
CLAIRE (Shaking her head): You don’t get it.
DANNY: What the fuck do you want from me?? I apologized already! What, you won’t be satisfied until you have your pound of flesh??
CLAIRE: Your apology doesn’t mean anything to me when you obviously aren’t sorry.
DANNY: What do you mean I’m not sorry?? Don’t tell me what I’m feeling, Little Ms. Analyst! You’re not inside my head.
This interaction only serves to make Claire feel worse, of course, as Danny adds insults and crazy-making denial to whatever she was already upset about. Danny feels that Claire should be grateful for his apology, even though his tone communicated the opposite of his words; he in fact feels entitled to forgiveness, and he demands it. (He also considers it his prerogative to insist that she accept his version of reality, no matter how much it collides with everything she sees and hears; in this sense, he apparently sees her mind as part of what he has the right to control.)
I am often asked whether physical aggression by women toward men, such as a slap in the face, is abuse. The answer is: “It depends.” Men typically experience women’s shoves or slaps as annoying and infuriating rather than intimidating, so the long-term emotional effects are less damaging. It is rare to find a man who has gradually lost his freedom or self-esteem because of a woman’s aggressiveness. I object to any form of physical aggression in relationships except for what is truly essential for self-defense, but I reserve the word abuse for situations of control or intimidation.
The good news is that remorse is often genuine; the bad news is that it rarely helps. To make sense out of this contradiction, we need to look first at a crucial aspect of what is going on inside an abuser: Abusers have numerous contradictory attitudes and beliefs operating simultaneously in their minds. A few examples of the typical contradictions include:
“Women are fragile and in need of protection but they need to be intimidated from time to time or they get out of hand.”
“My partner and I should have equal say over things but my decisions should rule when it comes to issues that are important to me.”
“I feel terrible about how I treated her but I should never have to feel bad in a relationship, no matter what I did.”
“I shouldn’t raise my voice but I should have control over my partner, and sometimes I have to get loud to control her.”
“You should never hit a woman but sometimes a man has no other choice.”
When a man feels sorry for his abusive behavior, his regrets collide with his entitlement. [...]
THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES.
Therapists often try to work with an abuser by analyzing his responses to disagreements and trying to get him to handle conflicts differently. But such an approach misses the point: His abusiveness was what caused the tension to begin with.
Returning now to the day of the argument, we can see that Jesse launches into attributing many of his own characteristics to Bea, saying that she is full of herself, that she dwells on grievances, that she yells, that she doesn’t care about him. This behavior in abusers is sometimes mistakenly referred to as projection, a psychological process through which people attribute their own fears or flaws to those around them. But as we saw in Chapter 3, the process through which an abuser turns reality on its head is not quite the same as projection. Jesse perceives Bea to be yelling because one of his core values is that she’s not supposed to get angry at him, no matter what he does. He thinks she doesn’t care about him because in his mind she can’t care about him unless she cares only about him, and not at all about herself or other people. He thinks she is full of herself because she sometimes gets excited about her own goals or activities, when he believes she should be most excited about what he’s doing. He thinks she dwells on her grievances because she sometimes attempts to hold him accountable rather than letting him stick her with cleaning up his messes—literally and figuratively.
The final behavior we need to examine is Jesse’s decision to take a long, cold walk home by himself. Why does he make himself a victim?
• He is drawn to making Bea feel sorry for him so that his feelings can remain the center of attention, crowding hers out. She will feel as though she shouldn’t pursue her complaints about the ways in which he has just assaulted her verbally, because he is suffering so much.
• He also wants other people to feel sorry for him. He can describe to friends or relatives how the argument led to a miserable walk for him, and they will think: “The poor man.” And he will probably adjust the story to his advantage—abusers usually spruce up their accounts—perhaps saying that she was furious and drove off without him, and he was left to walk shivering all the way home. He doesn’t consciously plan these maneuvers ahead of time, but experience has taught him on a deeper level that playing the victim increases the sympathy he receives.
Any incident of abusive behavior brings the abuser benefits just as this one did. Over time, the man grows attached to his ballooning collection of comforts and privileges. Here are some of the reasons why he may appear so determined not to stop bullying:
- The intrinsic satisfaction of power and control
The abusive man gains power through his coercive and intimidating behaviors—a sensation that can create a potent, thrilling rush. The wielder of power feels important and effective and finds a momentary relief from life’s normal distresses. It isn’t the woman’s pain that appeals to him; most abusers are not sadists. In fact, he has to go to some lengths to shield himself from his own natural tendency to empathize with her. The feeling that he rules is where the pleasure lies.
It is important not to underestimate the impact of these kinds of day-to-day decisions. Your happiness in a relationship depends greatly on your ability to get your needs heard and taken seriously. If these decisions are taken over by an abusive or controlling partner, you experience disappointment after disappointment, the constant sacrificing of your needs. He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest. He shows off his generosity when the stakes are low, so that friends will see what a swell guy he is.