The good news is that remorse is often genuine; the bad news is that it rarely helps. To make sense out of this contradiction, we need to look first at a crucial aspect of what is going on inside an abuser: Abusers have numerous contradictory attitudes and beliefs operating simultaneously in their minds. A few examples of the typical contradictions include:

“Women are fragile and in need of protection but they need to be intimidated from time to time or they get out of hand.”

“My partner and I should have equal say over things but my decisions should rule when it comes to issues that are important to me.”

“I feel terrible about how I treated her but I should never have to feel bad in a relationship, no matter what I did.”

“I shouldn’t raise my voice but I should have control over my partner, and sometimes I have to get loud to control her.”

“You should never hit a woman but sometimes a man has no other choice.”

When a man feels sorry for his abusive behavior, his regrets collide with his entitlement. [...]