I have decided not to talk about Jonathan any more to Esther. I am cutting off the chain of associations, because if I try to account for what is happening, anywhere I start might take me further than I intended. And even if I invent a neat explanation for what happened, the part of me that loved him won’t let me reduce it like that. Any summary of Jonathan will sound lifeless and exterior. I will sound like I don’t know what I’m doing, worse, like I don’t know what I know.

Is it a problem of telling? What should I tell? What can I tell? Who can I tell? What can be told? What account could I give that would stand up to it? What form could it take? What order could I give that wouldn’t force it into disorder?