If someone is self-reflecting and self-regulating, what are the next steps?

I reteach communication (because at that point it’s probably got a bit mean) and negotiation, which allows a couple to see that in most situations, apart from ultimate deal-breakers (for example whether or not you want kids), you can both get what you want in a relationship. Then it’s also the ability to take responsibility for your own feelings. To keep yourself together. To be mature and balanced. To not just think, right, you’re going to have to put up with every single flicker of emotion I have.

I’m not saying we should be able to do this a hundred per cent of the time; we’re not robots. It’s about getting into the habit of thinking, I can feel myself getting angry. It’s fine to have this feeling, and it’s important, because it’s telling me something. But what should I do with the feeling: do I snap at my partner? Do I walk away and slam the door? Do I lash out verbally? And crucially, do I lose the sense of ‘we’ rather than ‘I’? Or, instead, can that person think about how both parties are viewing the situation, and say, ‘Look, I’m feeling angry at the moment. I need to find a way to calm down and then I can listen to you, I can reflect on myself, I can start taking responsibility and we can have a conversation which includes both of us’?